Preserving the Figs…

(Tuesday morning. Sharon calls Mom.)

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom. I’m calling about the figs for this weekend. I’m getting all the stuff together I need to bring to make the fig preserves.”

“Well, good. We’re having lots of figs out there, and they look great.”

“Cool! I’m looking forward to having fig preserves on a warm, buttered biscuit this winter. Sound yummy to me.”

“Well, they’ll all be gone by this winter. Figs don’t grow in the winter.”

“No, I mean, the preserves, Mom. Eating fig preserves in the winter. On a biscuit.”

“Well, they won’t still be warm, then.”

“No, but the biscuit will be warm. With butter.”

“Oh. Well, you can put preserves on it.”

“Yes. That’s what I meant.”

“Well, it’s not what you said.”

“So, are there lots of figs out there? Will we have enough to make a good-sized batch on Saturday?” (obviously changing the subject)

“Well, of course, there are. We’ve been bringing them in for days and putting them in the refrigerator.” (mumbling heard in the background) “Well, your father says all the ones in the refrigerator have been eaten. He heard you because I have you on speaker.”

“Tell Dad that we won’t have any left for preserves if he keeps that up.” (more mumbling)

“Your father told me to tell you he isn’t eating them. I am.”

“Well, then, Mom, don’t eat them all!”

“There will be plenty, Sharon Lee.” (oops – the dreaded peppery tone)

“Well, okay. Would you guys just go out and check by Friday to be sure we have enough to make all this worthwhile on Saturday?”

“I said there would be plenty, but I’ll check.” (peppery, peppery)

“Okay, then. I’ll check back with you on what to bring on Friday”

“I thought you were coming on Saturday.”

“Yes, but I’ll check in on Friday to make sure there’s not something I’ve missed.”

“I see. All right.”

“Well, I’m stacked up here at work, so I’ll talk to you guys later. Love you!”

“Love you, too. Bye-bye.”

(Sharon hangs up. Sighs. Makes mental note to call back on Friday.)


(Friday afternoon. Sharon calls her folks.)

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom. I’m just calling to check to see if there’s plenty of figs. You said you’d check.”

“I haven’t checked, yet.”

“Well, when you get a chance will you or Dad just go look at them trees to see if there are plenty?”

“All right, Sharon Lee. If it will make you happy, we’ll go look in a while to see and we’ll let you know.” (very exasperated)

“Okay. Thanks, Mom. Talk to you later.” (trying not to sound impatient)

“All right. Good bye.”

“Bye.”

(Sharon hangs up and takes a deep breath. Cut to Saturday morning. Sharon calls Mom.)

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom. I’m calling to check on the figs.”

“I already told you. You should listen to your messages.”

“Hold on.” (looks at cell to see if there were any missed calls or messages. None. Asks daughters to check home phone. No messages. No calls from the ‘rents.) “Mom? I don’t have any messages on my cell or on the house phone. When did you call?”

“Last night. We called several times, and it was Robyn’s voice that finally answered and took the message.”

(Sharon asks daughters to check their cell phones. No missed calls. No messages.) “Mom, neither of the girls has any missed calls or messages. And, Robyn’s voice is not on my voice mail. It’s a computer-generated voice on there.”

“Well, I think I know Robyn’s voice. It was Robyn!” (becoming upset)

“What number did you call, Mom?” (Mom rattles off a number that Sharon does not know.)

“Well, Mom, I don’t know who that is, but my number is xxx.xxx.xxxx.”

“Well, I’m sure that’s what I called. You need to check again!” (angrily)

“Okay. At any rate, what message did you leave?”

“No figs.”

“What?” (a little surprised)

“No figs. Birds musta got ‘em. Not a one on either tree. Not even blooms.”

(pause)

“Well, I guess we won’t be making preserves today, then. What a shame. I was looking forward to that.”

“Well, too bad. No figs. None. We’ll have to get them at the store.”

“I guess.” (sighs) “I’ll use the time to get laundry done and some other things, then. You and Dad have a good day.”

“You, too. See you later.”

(Sharon hangs up and bangs head against wall. Daughters are laughing. Sharon starts after them with a hanger.)

O. Mi. Gosh.

Newest episode of "Life with the 'Rents" (gotta picture this as if you are watching a sitcom on tv...)

(fade in - phone rings. Sharon answers. It's Mom.)

"Sharon, do you still have T-Mobile?"

"Yes, Mom, and so do you."

"No, we don't There's no light."

"No light?"

"On the phone."

"Whether or not you have a light, Mom, you are still with T-Mobile."

"Well, they won't let us use our phone."

"What's the problem?"

"There's no light. It isn't on."

"Have you charged it?" (mumbling in the background)

"Yes, your father says it's charged, Sharon Lee." (Peppery attitude.)

"Perhaps you should change the battery. There is an extra one in the box the phone came in. Do you have that close by?"

"Yes. We have that." (Peppery-er attitude)

"Oh, hey, Mom, is it on?"

"Why don't you talk to your father. He's telling me what to say. You talk to him." (totally exasperated)

Dad (pleasantly): "I'm actually not exactly sure what's happened with this."

"Mom said the light is not on?"

"No, it's not. There doesn't seem to be power."

"Have you charged it?"

"Well. I had it on the charger just now."

"Is it on?"

"Well, I think so. I'm pretty sure it is."

"Dad, on the phone, there should be a couple of little symbols. One is a phone headpiece that looks like it's off the hook, and one is a phone headpiece that looks like it's about to hang up. Do you see those?"

"Well, let's see. I don't know where to look for them There are lots of little things on the screen, but I can't tell what they are. They're really small."

"Well, you could use your magnifying glass for those, but, what we're looking for is buttons, not screen icons."

"Oh! Oh! Yes, I see. I found them. One on the right looks off the hook and one on the right looks like it's about to hang up."

(very slight pause) "Good. That's exactly what you need, Dad. Press the one on the right and hold it down for a moment."

"Well, okay." (musical sound of phone coming on) "Well, I'll be darned! It was off! Don't know how I did that, but I sure know how to undo it, now!"

"Can you tell if it's charged? Sometimes, it turns off because it loses charge."

"How do I know that?"

"There's an icon that looks like a D or C battery that will have a few bars in it. It needs to be filled up. Some of them have 3 bars and some have 4. Without having your phone in front of me, I can't tell which yours is."

"Well, I'm not sure where that is."

"On the screen."

"Oh, one of those little things?"

"The icons, yes. Dad, I think you should just go plug it in and leave it there to be sure you have plenty of charge."

"Good idea. I'll do that. So, it was as simple as turning this little gadget on, huh?" (chuckles)

"Yup. But, you never can be sure what the problem is 'til you trouble shoot it. I just happened to start with the easiest thing and we bingoed."

"We sure did."

"Well, Dad, I just got out of a meeting and I need to get these notes down. I'll talk to you guys later, okay?"

"Okay, Sweetheart, we'll see you later. I love you."

"I love you guys, too. Bye."

"Bye-bye."

(Shot of Sharon banging head against the desk as we fade out)