Preserving the Figs…

(Tuesday morning. Sharon calls Mom.)

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom. I’m calling about the figs for this weekend. I’m getting all the stuff together I need to bring to make the fig preserves.”

“Well, good. We’re having lots of figs out there, and they look great.”

“Cool! I’m looking forward to having fig preserves on a warm, buttered biscuit this winter. Sound yummy to me.”

“Well, they’ll all be gone by this winter. Figs don’t grow in the winter.”

“No, I mean, the preserves, Mom. Eating fig preserves in the winter. On a biscuit.”

“Well, they won’t still be warm, then.”

“No, but the biscuit will be warm. With butter.”

“Oh. Well, you can put preserves on it.”

“Yes. That’s what I meant.”

“Well, it’s not what you said.”

“So, are there lots of figs out there? Will we have enough to make a good-sized batch on Saturday?” (obviously changing the subject)

“Well, of course, there are. We’ve been bringing them in for days and putting them in the refrigerator.” (mumbling heard in the background) “Well, your father says all the ones in the refrigerator have been eaten. He heard you because I have you on speaker.”

“Tell Dad that we won’t have any left for preserves if he keeps that up.” (more mumbling)

“Your father told me to tell you he isn’t eating them. I am.”

“Well, then, Mom, don’t eat them all!”

“There will be plenty, Sharon Lee.” (oops – the dreaded peppery tone)

“Well, okay. Would you guys just go out and check by Friday to be sure we have enough to make all this worthwhile on Saturday?”

“I said there would be plenty, but I’ll check.” (peppery, peppery)

“Okay, then. I’ll check back with you on what to bring on Friday”

“I thought you were coming on Saturday.”

“Yes, but I’ll check in on Friday to make sure there’s not something I’ve missed.”

“I see. All right.”

“Well, I’m stacked up here at work, so I’ll talk to you guys later. Love you!”

“Love you, too. Bye-bye.”

(Sharon hangs up. Sighs. Makes mental note to call back on Friday.)


(Friday afternoon. Sharon calls her folks.)

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom. I’m just calling to check to see if there’s plenty of figs. You said you’d check.”

“I haven’t checked, yet.”

“Well, when you get a chance will you or Dad just go look at them trees to see if there are plenty?”

“All right, Sharon Lee. If it will make you happy, we’ll go look in a while to see and we’ll let you know.” (very exasperated)

“Okay. Thanks, Mom. Talk to you later.” (trying not to sound impatient)

“All right. Good bye.”

“Bye.”

(Sharon hangs up and takes a deep breath. Cut to Saturday morning. Sharon calls Mom.)

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom. I’m calling to check on the figs.”

“I already told you. You should listen to your messages.”

“Hold on.” (looks at cell to see if there were any missed calls or messages. None. Asks daughters to check home phone. No messages. No calls from the ‘rents.) “Mom? I don’t have any messages on my cell or on the house phone. When did you call?”

“Last night. We called several times, and it was Robyn’s voice that finally answered and took the message.”

(Sharon asks daughters to check their cell phones. No missed calls. No messages.) “Mom, neither of the girls has any missed calls or messages. And, Robyn’s voice is not on my voice mail. It’s a computer-generated voice on there.”

“Well, I think I know Robyn’s voice. It was Robyn!” (becoming upset)

“What number did you call, Mom?” (Mom rattles off a number that Sharon does not know.)

“Well, Mom, I don’t know who that is, but my number is xxx.xxx.xxxx.”

“Well, I’m sure that’s what I called. You need to check again!” (angrily)

“Okay. At any rate, what message did you leave?”

“No figs.”

“What?” (a little surprised)

“No figs. Birds musta got ‘em. Not a one on either tree. Not even blooms.”

(pause)

“Well, I guess we won’t be making preserves today, then. What a shame. I was looking forward to that.”

“Well, too bad. No figs. None. We’ll have to get them at the store.”

“I guess.” (sighs) “I’ll use the time to get laundry done and some other things, then. You and Dad have a good day.”

“You, too. See you later.”

(Sharon hangs up and bangs head against wall. Daughters are laughing. Sharon starts after them with a hanger.)